November 12, 2004

Frivolity This Is Not

Have you ever been to a hockey game? I love ice hockey... probably because it is so fast paced my extremely short attention span is able to remain interested in the action. Usually there is the home team (yea!) and the away team (boo!). Well for the last month and a half I have been the puck in ascrimmagee. Home team against home team - no bad guys here- but an extremely painful emotional and spiritual beating just the same.

I know that God is doing something, in my heart and in my life, but it really hurts. And part of me is filled with anticipation to see what it is He wants to do, and another part of me really just wants the pain to go away. I praise God that He uses times like these to draw me nearer to Him. The last time I went through something like this my basic paradigm of how I viewed the world and my future in it had to be shifted completely - several times! That was an extremely painful process that lasted months. But the result was so sweet: a better understanding of God's view of my life and the world. So I recognize the good that comes from these times, but I'm about as spent as I can get... my heart just hurts. I just need a reprieve from the beatings, but no end seems in sight, so I cling to my Lord and trust that He is good.

Stan Archie spoke tonight about how growth doesn't occur evenly. That's why we are sawkwardrd as teenagers - our feet outgrow our legs, our ears outgrow our head, eventually it all catches up but the process is difficult, painful, embarrassing and often ugly. The same is true in spiritual growth, it takes time before the growth is balanced. I'm definitely experiencing growing pains. But I praise God that He is so much more to me than just a distant God who doesn't care what happens. He is actively involved - invested- in my life. He cares about the details, about the pain - even when He's the one causing it. I love that I can go to Him and tell Him how much it hurts and He comforts me - He doesn't take the pain away - but He comforts me. He knows what I need and I must trust Him.

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