July 6, 2005


So much happened in the last week. I don't know where to begin. I have all kinds of stories to tell about the delightful children and adorable monster I visited and about the numerous things God taught me while I was there. I love going away and spending my time in sweet fellowship and service and coming home refreshed and adjusted to a closer walk with God. Its hard to go through but so good too. Do you ever find yourself longing to have someone call you out? To have someone who will point out where you are failing and help you see where you need to go? But someone do it in such love and concern (and often without even really knowing that's what they are doing?) This was my week in Oklahoma.

God showed up in such incredible ways. I am my own worst critic - I know that. I hold extremely high standards for myself and I fail all the time... This leads to frustration and anger and depression and a downward spiral of my emotions, attitudes and perspectives. God spent time this week helping me get back to His perspective on some things and understanding of some of my failings that He sees in me and set me on my feet to walk out in faith and obedience that is born of love and not a desire to appease, but rather to live by His standards because I love Him.

I feel as though my perspective and therefore my attitude has been off for quite some time. It took my two days to get through the junk and wrong attitudes and perspectives that had crept into my head and my heart before I could begin to be on the right page again. Isn't it amazing how quickly and silently the world can slip in to our thoughts and we don't even realize there's been a change. Or when we do, we feel so powerless to combat it.

I have spent quite some time begrudging God for having me in a place where I feel bombarded with wrong attitudes and wrong ideas (by wrong I mean unbiblical) and lacking a support system that I so desperately feel I need. Do you know what it is to have people around you who daily inspire you to go deeper and live daily your walk with Christ and then to have all of that taken away and be in a place where you feel very little challenge to go deeper and more to pull away? Its like trying to swim up river and losing your life vest.

I find myself in a world very much like the one I walked away from when I realized I needed to follow Christ with everything I was, only now I know how much more there is and it is wholly dissatisfying. Yet I look at how I got here and I see God's direction - though I wonder at times if that is just fancy or reality - and then I remember that I am to do all things without grumbling and complaining. I KNOW that God has brought me here, I KNOW that God is at work, and though I may feel as though I have no impact on the world around me, and it seems to have such a strong impact upon me, I KNOW that this is where God has placed me for now.

So I apologize to all of you whom I have grumbled and complained to. I am choosing to stop complaining and accept the task God has set before me with cheerfulness and joy, because I can be content in all things through Christ who strengthens me. So if (or when) I begin to complain about where God has me - PLEASE, I implore you, CALL ME ON IT! I need that!

I guess I'll leave the funny and cute stories about the kids for another time.

God has been faithful and I know His spirit is with me to take me deeper and help me to presevere.

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