Rejuvenation

So much happened in the last week. I don't know where to begin. I have all kinds of stories to tell about the delightful children and adorable monster I visited and about the numerous things God taught me while I was there. I love going away and spending my time in sweet fellowship and service and coming home refreshed and adjusted to a closer walk with God. Its hard to go through but so good too. Do you ever find yourself longing to have someone call you out? To have someone who will point out where you are failing and help you see where you need to go? But someone do it in such love and concern (and often without even really knowing that's what they are doing?) This was my week in Oklahoma.

God showed up in such incredible ways. I am my own worst critic - I know that. I hold extremely high standards for myself and I fail all the time... This leads to frustration and anger and depression and a downward spiral of my emotions, attitudes and perspectives. God spent time this week helping me get back to His perspective on some things and understanding of some of my failings that He sees in me and set me on my feet to walk out in faith and obedience that is born of love and not a desire to appease, but rather to live by His standards because I love Him.

I feel as though my perspective and therefore my attitude has been off for quite some time. It took my two days to get through the junk and wrong attitudes and perspectives that had crept into my head and my heart before I could begin to be on the right page again. Isn't it amazing how quickly and silently the world can slip in to our thoughts and we don't even realize there's been a change. Or when we do, we feel so powerless to combat it.

I have spent quite some time begrudging God for having me in a place where I feel bombarded with wrong attitudes and wrong ideas (by wrong I mean unbiblical) and lacking a support system that I so desperately feel I need. Do you know what it is to have people around you who daily inspire you to go deeper and live daily your walk with Christ and then to have all of that taken away and be in a place where you feel very little challenge to go deeper and more to pull away? Its like trying to swim up river and losing your life vest.

I find myself in a world very much like the one I walked away from when I realized I needed to follow Christ with everything I was, only now I know how much more there is and it is wholly dissatisfying. Yet I look at how I got here and I see God's direction - though I wonder at times if that is just fancy or reality - and then I remember that I am to do all things without grumbling and complaining. I KNOW that God has brought me here, I KNOW that God is at work, and though I may feel as though I have no impact on the world around me, and it seems to have such a strong impact upon me, I KNOW that this is where God has placed me for now.

So I apologize to all of you whom I have grumbled and complained to. I am choosing to stop complaining and accept the task God has set before me with cheerfulness and joy, because I can be content in all things through Christ who strengthens me. So if (or when) I begin to complain about where God has me - PLEASE, I implore you, CALL ME ON IT! I need that!

I guess I'll leave the funny and cute stories about the kids for another time.

God has been faithful and I know His spirit is with me to take me deeper and help me to presevere.

Bible Study

Okay, so I'm going to take a break from all the brattiness and talk about my Bible Study... which I love! We have been studying the Kings and Prophets (working through the Precept studies) We are in 2 Kings right now. I joined this study back in Deuteronomy (they started in Genesis) and have worked our way up to 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles (for those of you who don't know, 1&2 Kings parallels 2 Chronicles). I missed 1&2 Samuel while I was living out west, but I have gotten so very much out of these studies. I really recommend doing a study of the Old Testament (specifically one that helps you see how VERY relevant it is to today - and how interconnected it is with the New Testament).

As I walk out of Bible Study I am always a little blown away (sometimes really blown away). I feel as though I've experienced a "scriptural smack-down" at times. It's a group of people unapologetically looking at what the Word of God says and challenging each other to walk it out during the rest of the week.

This week we looked at 2 Kings 9. When Jehu is anointed King of Israel and wipes out the House of Ahab... His boldness when confronting sin is amazing, but what really amazes me is how everyone involved in the story KNEW what the Word of the Lord was. They all knew the prophesies and what God had declared. So when Jehu was carrying out the task God gave him, he didn't have to check back on certain details because he already knew what God had said about that.

One of the ladies in my class made a comment that resounded in my soul... she comes from a Hindu background and was relating a recent experience at a family function. When her children fused at her for pointing out something that was not scriptural she replied, "If the culture is wrong, I have to stop doing it."

Wow! I hope I have that boldness and the follow-thru to do that as well. Even if that culture is the American Christian Church! You know? We need to stand on Scripture - the Word of God and not cultural tradition, no matter what it looks like.

The Irony of Protecting a Democracy

I did not grow up in a Democratic republic. I have immense respect and admirations for the men and women who serve our country in the Armed Services, especially those active duty military, but also for the reserves. The great irony is that those who serve and protect the rights and privileges that the United States of America hold so dear do not actually live under them. They live their lives in an Authoritarian Society, not a democratic one. Recently I've been reading a book which discusses this very issue at great length - though I have a vastly different view than the author. She seems to believe that this is a great tragedy and imposition to the rights of the individuals who join the armed services. I would live in great fear of a military that did not give up many of those freedoms in protecting them.

The military is a career that is not 9-5. You are never really "off-duty." It pervades all aspects of your life. When you join up, your spouse and children join up. Most civilians have a hard time understanding just how much the military runs your life, to them you go to work, you go home. Two very different parts of your life. This just isn't so in the military world. You must be ready at a moment's notice - it is even more pronounced if you actually live on base and are surrounded by it all the time, but even living off base there is a different reality of life.

During the fall of my senior year in high school, my father was told we would be getting orders soon and moving. My father asked me exactly when would I be able to leave (a rare question but in light of it being my senior year and GPAs at risk, it had to be considered). I told him I could not go before the end of the first semester - because of how GPAs are considered for college admissions. So our orders were cut and he began making frequent visits to his next post in anticipation of the transfer. While on TDY during October, he received a call from a General at Hanscom (Boston). He flew home the next day, and had two days before he had to report to the base for duty. Because of the nature of the position, he couldn't even come back on weekends, though his Thanksgiving leave was already approved so he did get to come home for that. I didn't realize how strange that was to people until I mentioned something to one of my teachers and my peers couldn't understand it. Why didn't He just say it was a bad time, or maybe take the next job.

You see, the success of the military family is dependent upon its flexibility. When you get a call, an order, a transfer, you go. The family must cope and come along. I think this is one of the things that puts so much stress on military marriages. I've seen many fall apart at the seems because the non-military spouse can't understand the demands upon the military spouse and is constantly resentful of the mandates the military puts upon their spouse, their children and themselves and jealous of the response the military spouse gives to such orders.

There are many ways to cope.... Having never known anything else, and being very proud of the "sacrifices" that my family made because it was military, I learned to take it in stride. I learned to see moving as a privilege that allowed me to interact with many different cultures even within the United States. They were opportunities to leave behind that which you didn't like about yourself and improve who you were because your new acquaintances didn't carry around prior prejudices against who you had been (unless it was a propensity to dislike the military in general).

I learned to become adaptable, to force myself (I am actually extremely shy and self-conscious) to talk to strangers and meet new people, regularly. It's not just a mask you wear, though it is at times, but you begin to be molded to what your circumstances demand of you. Like bootcamp, you become someone you aren't naturally, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have learned to apply some of this to my walk with Jesus Christ. You see, as I read scripture and I see things in there that I am not yet. I have learned that if I begin to put them on - test them out, walk in them, as I wear the kindness that Christ calls us to (and the Holy Spirit enables us to exhibit) it becomes more a natural reaction to my surroundings. At first its a bit awkward and unnatural, but as I learn to give Christ a little more of my life (my attitudes) here and there, He molds my heart to His and changes me from within.

So very much of our lives has a great deal to do with perspective, but that, I think is another entry for another time.

Roots

One of the saddest things about being a brat is our lack of family roots. Although some families are particularly good at working through this, others of us just don't know what it is to be truly part of an extended family. We are still "company" when we come to town. Most of our cousins, aunts, uncles, and even grandparents have never been to most of the places we've lived. They don't know anything about our lives (especially if yours is the only military family in your family). They see us only in their own setting. When we visit them, we get to see their friends, glimpses of their lives. But they don't get the same insight into who we are. Therefore we never really completely belong there either.

I love to go "home" to Alabama, where my mother is from. It has been one of the few constants in my life, and I love it.... For so very many reasons. As I write this I am preparing to go to a family reunion this weekend - much joy and anticipation accompanies these plans.... However, as close as I am to this side of my family, I'm still not completely one of them - I am more so than my brother, but not equal to my cousins.

My favorite person in the entire world is my Granddaddy. He once introduced me as his "Yankee granddaughter." Made me so mad I didn't talk to him for a whole hour (which is a long time for me and him). My uncle corrected him (he became my hero that day) - no she was born out west - she's a REAL cowgirl. I was probably 4 or 5 at the time. That was the first time I think I really realized that while I may be his favorite grandchild, I didn't really belong in his world. Down south, I was considered from "up north." In the North, people commented on my accent and how southern I was. My speech would slip from one accent to another depending upon my mood and what I was talking about. I began to deliberately control my accent. I learned to speak fairly accent free for the most part. For a long time I tried very hard to keep all accents out of my speech so as to not be reminded that I'm "not from around here."

I am immensely proud of my southern heritage; I am also proud of my northern heritage (Yes, I am the product of a Yankee marrying a southern belle). However, I don't really fit into either family. So like most Brats I know, I've created my own extended "family." This is made up of a few extremely close friends who have kept in touch across the years and across the miles that separate us. These become the people we turn to and the people we depend upon. The people we identify with. It makes me sad for that which I have missed out on. But this adopted family of mine also reminds me of the family which I have been adopted into through the blood of Christ on the cross and His resurrection. A family which is a conglomeration of peoples from all over the globe, who call Jesus Christ, Lord of their lives

While my "roots" may be an inch deep, the freedom that this allows to help me to walk out my Faith in Christ, where-ever and when-ever He calls is something that I wouldn't trade for the world. As I read some of these posts they seem a little sad, I want to be very clear.... I LOVE that God allowed me to be blessed by being born (conscripted at birth) into a military family. Many people don't understand the far reaching and extreme differences, that innately implies for our lives, as "Brats." My wish is simply to share a tiny glimpse into some of the differences and the blessings that come along with Gypsy Feet.

Wanderlust

According to Mary Wertsch's Military Brats, the bone-deep restlessness of military children is one of our defining traits as adults. This is not always a desire to travel, though it can be that. It is a desire to pick up, leave an old place behind completely, and move to a new town for a new start. This is very true for me. I have the travel bug is something fierce. I LOVE to travel - to see new places and experience new customs. But it's more than an itch to sightsee. My greatest passion (with respect to travel) is to learn a new culture. The little nuances of each new community. What makes it tick. Where do the "locals" hang out, where do they go. What does their life look like? For the most part I can satisfy my Wanderlust by visiting friends and family that are scattered across this country (or the globe). But every now and again there swells up within me this intense and maddening feeling of being trapped in the same place. Stuck. Much as I imagine someone stuck in a quagmire (woo-hoo 7th grade vocabulary) might feel.

I am definitely going through one of those times now. It's all I can do to get up each day and do exactly as I've been doing and see no end in sight. I feel myself rebuilding some of the walls I've started tearing down with friends because "it's time." You had two choices when it came to friends and moving. First, you never quite let down all your guard, because you knew you'd be moving in a short time and the less you let people in the less it hurt to leave. Or, You became so numb to the leaving that if just ceased to bother you when you left people behind. They were going to forget you in a short time anyway. I got to be very good at figuring out what kind of friend people would prove to be. Within a week of knowing someone, I can very confidently tell you who will keep in touch, who won't, who will return a phone call - though they may never initiate one - and who lives life as "out of sight, out of mind." I still torture myself with a few friendships that I knew going in wouldn't survive a move, but for some reason I still try to keep in contact, and I still get disappointed when they don't respond.

Growing up you always knew it was time to move when you ran into people you knew at the grocery store or at a gas station. I'm ready for the next chapter, the next place and not sure what that's going to look like, or if I'm going to get to go anywhere. So I turn to God, to bring me contentment in my heart where I am.
At times like this, my natural tendency is to avoid people, or push them away - I'm learning that this self-imposed isolation really needs to be filled with lots of time in the Word and in prayer. Otherwise, I contemplate doing something like quitting my job and moving somewhere I don't know anyone. It's not so much that I want to run away - which is what some people who don't understand think - it's more running to the familiar. You see, for a brat, moving often seems like the ONLY constant in your life. It can become an addiction - a need, or perhaps it's more of an expectation in life. Living in one place for any real length of time doesn't enter into your consciousness. How do you do that? It's as foreign of a concept as "Sweet Tea" is in China.

Once, in high school, I was talking to my Government teacher (okay, that didn't happen just once, but this particular time) She was explaining about a friend who had a job opportunity in a town 20 miles away. But she'’d have to leave where the town where she lived and where her parents and grandparents were. I couldn't understand the problem. She'd be an easy drive away from her family, and the job had innumerable benefits. My government teacher - realizing that I wasn't understanding the dilemma responded "Oh, I forgot, you'’re part of the gypsy population." And walked away. At the time I didn't really know how to react, so I just laughed. Now, I laugh really hard. I still don't understand (I can't grasp) the point of view that was apparently so obvious to them. But I understand more of WHY I don't understand it.